Thursday, June 10, 2010

Today is the 37th anniversary of my mother's death. I went for my CT scan this morning and felt my mother right there along side of me. She's been helping me a lot through this whole thing. It was only fitting that I go for my last definitive test today on this anniversary.

Thirty seven plus years ago they didn't have chemo...just chemo in it's experimental stages and my mother took part in those experiments. I can't remember the name of the chemo she got--she got a shot at her doctor's office at certain intervals. I wish I knew what it was she got. It did help her to live longer than they thought she would...she lived 10 years after her initial diagnosis. The last two and a half years she was on "her time"...the doctors thought she would be dead by then. I can remember her asking Dr. Margolick how much time he thought she had left and he said, "what can I tell you Marion, by all rights you should have been dead two years ago!" She lived another two and a half years after that.

My mother was a strong woman in many respects--a lot stronger than me. She was an emotional person--she felt emotions in a big way. But she never complained of pain, never asked "why me?" never felt sorry for herself. I

I have tried to do the same. I can honestly say I have never had the "why me?" thought. I know that I'm no better or deserving of anything than anyone else. I haven't even asked "why?" I know shit happens...and it happens to everyone!

And to tell the truth, this isn't the worst thing I've been through. Having my child taken from me by her mother was far worse. Losing Jasmine and never finding her was much worse. Losing my mother was the worst.

This journey has been full of bad things and good things and the good things outweigh the bad by far.

I have met some wonderful new people, Marcia, Brandy, Tammy, Jason LaChance, Dr. Di and Dr. McCourt. The Anne-Maries---Big and Little.

I have been supported by my friends and family in a way that I never envisioned was possible. Jean, Lynne, Dorothy, Carol and Mary Anne. All the folks who email me and send me cards and call me and make me laugh.

The pain has been brief and manageable. The discomfort is fleeting. It isn't as bad as I thought it was.

I hope that I am done with cancer. I hope, of course, that it never, ever comes back. I will be on the lookout for symptoms, but I'm not going to be paranoid about it. I will be diligent about getting my follow-up CT scans done and keeping my follow up appts with the doctor.

If it does come back, we know what we have to do and we will do it. It's that simple. My mother used to say "you do what you have to do." She was right about that and about just about everything else she told me. She was a very wise woman.

I look forward to getting on with life. I'm not stupid though, I know that it could come back.

If it does, I'll be prepared. In the meantime, I'm feeling my mother, pushing me to get things back on the track again and get my butt moving!

I miss you Mummy. After all these years, I still do.

Nighty night!


Anonymous said...

Oh Ann, your beautiful writing made me cry! A good kind of cry! You are one hot shit and you will be my role model if I am ever faced with the challenges you have! (You AND my Mom!)
Please keep up with your writing! I really appreciate it!

Carol said...

Beautiful a beautiful person!

Lynne said...

I know how you feel. I still miss my dad after 27 years. You said it all so eloquently. You are such a beautiful person and a great friend. I love you!