Thursday, June 10, 2010

Today is the 37th anniversary of my mother's death. I went for my CT scan this morning and felt my mother right there along side of me. She's been helping me a lot through this whole thing. It was only fitting that I go for my last definitive test today on this anniversary.

Thirty seven plus years ago they didn't have chemo...just chemo in it's experimental stages and my mother took part in those experiments. I can't remember the name of the chemo she got--she got a shot at her doctor's office at certain intervals. I wish I knew what it was she got. It did help her to live longer than they thought she would...she lived 10 years after her initial diagnosis. The last two and a half years she was on "her time"...the doctors thought she would be dead by then. I can remember her asking Dr. Margolick how much time he thought she had left and he said, "what can I tell you Marion, by all rights you should have been dead two years ago!" She lived another two and a half years after that.

My mother was a strong woman in many respects--a lot stronger than me. She was an emotional person--she felt emotions in a big way. But she never complained of pain, never asked "why me?" never felt sorry for herself. I

I have tried to do the same. I can honestly say I have never had the "why me?" thought. I know that I'm no better or deserving of anything than anyone else. I haven't even asked "why?" I know shit happens...and it happens to everyone!

And to tell the truth, this isn't the worst thing I've been through. Having my child taken from me by her mother was far worse. Losing Jasmine and never finding her was much worse. Losing my mother was the worst.

This journey has been full of bad things and good things and the good things outweigh the bad by far.

I have met some wonderful new people, Marcia, Brandy, Tammy, Jason LaChance, Dr. Di and Dr. McCourt. The Anne-Maries---Big and Little.

I have been supported by my friends and family in a way that I never envisioned was possible. Jean, Lynne, Dorothy, Carol and Mary Anne. All the folks who email me and send me cards and call me and make me laugh.

The pain has been brief and manageable. The discomfort is fleeting. It isn't as bad as I thought it was.

I hope that I am done with cancer. I hope, of course, that it never, ever comes back. I will be on the lookout for symptoms, but I'm not going to be paranoid about it. I will be diligent about getting my follow-up CT scans done and keeping my follow up appts with the doctor.

If it does come back, we know what we have to do and we will do it. It's that simple. My mother used to say "you do what you have to do." She was right about that and about just about everything else she told me. She was a very wise woman.

I look forward to getting on with life. I'm not stupid though, I know that it could come back.

If it does, I'll be prepared. In the meantime, I'm feeling my mother, pushing me to get things back on the track again and get my butt moving!

I miss you Mummy. After all these years, I still do.

Nighty night!

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

Not much to post, but I don't want to get in trouble with the Peanut Gallery!

One big thing, I hit my goal of raising $1,000 for the Relay For Life today....thanks to Facebook! I posted it on there and my buddies responded, pushing me past the $1000 mark.

In years past I've had no problem raising far more than year I think it was almost $3000! However, the recession has hit people hard and they can't give like they used to...I understand.

Been doing a lot of reading on my Kindle. Finished the Denise Mina books...excellent! I have one more of hers to read. Now I'm reading "The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo" by Stieg Larsson. I think I'll be reading all of his books too!

I have been quiet the past two days. Feeling a bit woozy and tired. Part of the process of letting the chemo move through my system. Soon this will pass and I can really get moving.

Lynne came by yesterday to visit and return the power David wants to buy one for himself. That is a project for me sometime this month...power wash the house. We sat out on the deck and chatted and watched the birds.

The orioles have been cleaning out the oranges every day. They come right up on the deck and it's pretty neat to watch them. No sign of any life in the martin house yet.

Sox have been doing great lately and I've been watching just about every game. Celts seem to be determined to win it all...sounds like a good plan to me!

Well, Sandy is back from grocery shopping. I did my chore...I cut coupons and made up the shopping list. Not allowed into the store to do the actually shopping! Not yet anyway.

Tomorrow I'll get my bloodwork done, go to the post office and then to the Pachaug Aquarium to get fish food. Maybe sneak over to Lazizah or Bill's Barbecue...hmmmmm, which shall it be?

Anyway, Sandy is back from shopping so I'll shut the Sox off (leading 3-2) and we'll watch last night's episode of Real Housewives of New Jersey. That Teresa is such a card! And Danielle is so EVIL!

Kathy Griffin has a new comedy concert on at 10 pm....all set to be recorded. Her show starts up again next Monday and her mother has a book coming out at the end of the month...a must read called "Tip It!" What else would it be called? HA!

Nighty night!

Sunday, June 6, 2010

I'm happy to report that I'm bouncing back faster this time around. I think it's because I had six weeks off from chemo. I have more energy already, was able to clean the whole house, including vacuuming and washing floors and not collapsing!

Yesterday I cleaned upstairs and then was able to go to Taylor's 18th birthday party last night....and I lasted a long time there.

Today I ran errands at Stop and Shop, Kohl's and WalMart and was able to come home and plant my vegetables and work in the yard. I got tired, but it was a good kind of tired...the kind you get from working and sweating and being busy. I dozed in the chair as I listened to the Sox in extra innings....and it felt good.

Tomorrow I hope to get to the post office to mail the present to Lera and the kids. I've had this package for months it seems. Time to get it in the mail! Lynne is coming over after she gets out of work, to bring back the power washer.

I'm hoping I can run the power washer this week and clean the siding. It's quite green in some parts out front and just off the deck.

I bought some "topsy turvy" planters and put them out on the deck with tomatoes, peppers; chives and other herbs. Taking advantage of all the sun we get out there.

I hope to be able to make fresh salsa from the little patio garden I some serrano peppers, tomatoes; and cilantro growing out there. It will be so nice to be able to pick the stuff fresh, come in and make salsa and bring it back out to eat on the deck. I'll feel so green...and accomplished!

Sandy planted her garden on Memorial Day and already the corn is coming up! She planted tomatoes, squash and beans too. If all our tomatoes come in, we may have to open a veggie stand up by the mail box, or give it away to neighbors and maybe the group home here in town.

I still have to plant my morning glories...which reminds me, I need to put the seeds in water tonight to get them in the ground tomorrow.

This is the great time of year. I love the fresh veggies, eating outside, enjoying the weather. Even when it rains, it's cool. Love it.

I have two little doggies on my lap right now. Actually Rocky is on my lap and Bub is snuggled on my left arm. They are pooped from being out all day, chasing squirrels and chipmunks and following Sandy around in the yard.

She bought an arborvitae and a spruce tree to plant in the yard. The arborvitae is going to plug the hole created by the loss of the cottonwood we had cut down last week. The spruce is going to go in the back corner where she and her Mother cleared this spring. We may be getting another spruce to plant to block the view from Cliff's house next door, where she and her Mother cleared brush. If all goes well and the trees block the holes, maybe I can sunbathe in the nude out on the deck! YEOW!!! Heh heh...

Jean is still having problems with vertigo. When she went to PT for the exercises that gets rid of the condition she has, her blood pressure went way up...dangerously so. She had to stop and wait for a bit. So now she goes back tomorrow I think. I hope she can do the exercises. I did them a few years ago and it got rid of my vertigo. She feels like she's walking on a rolling deck out at sea. I feel for her, it's no fun.

Busy week ahead. Working in the yard, weeding out back and out front too. Working on the compost. Maybe buying an electic edger so we can edge along the fence and put stone down, so Sandy doesn't have to run the weedwhacker there--it keeps breaking the line and it's frustrating. It's a good project for me.

I go for my CT Scan Thursday...Richard is taking me. Maybe we'll go shopping afterwards, although I usually have to get home fast as the stuff they make you drink goes right through me.

I'm hoping to go kayaking some time this week too. I don't know when, will have to look at weather. I have to stay away from crowds for the next two weeks, so kayaking would be a nice, fairly solitary activity for me.

Hoping Sue comes this week to get her special present. Haven't seen her in years and I don't know why we have drifted apart. Hoping that she comes to visit and we make plans to see each other more often.

So, Life is cranking up again for me and I am SO HAPPY about it!

Nighty night!