Trying to regain my serenity about going to the doctor tomorrow. For some reason, I am really nervous about what I'm going to hear. I haven't felt this way before in this whole process.
I shouldn't say "for some reason" I know the reason. Tomorrow I should get my the results of the CA125 test they did the last time I was at chemo. It would show the effect that the first round of chemo had on the cancer. I'm hoping it shows that it has knocked it down significantly.
The "for some reason" is really more about me not feeling the confidence that I used to feel. Maybe it has something to do with not having Dr. McDreamy any more...although I do like and respect Dr. McCourt. Maybe it's because I really feel tired and run-down most of the time. Something is making the experience this time around feel different...I have to admit it, I am not as confident.
I want to be confident and I'm hoping that the old feeling of kick-ass confidence comes back. I'll bet if I get good news tomorrow my confidence level will be flying high.
Jean is coming with me to the appointment. That's different, it's usually Sandy or Lynne. Well, Sandy is working tonight so she won't be in any shape to go on a road trip. Lynne has to work, so she's out. Jean is willing to go along even though it may be "bad news" tomorrow. I consider anything less than a significant drop in the CA125 level.
Of course, I exaggerate. I will consider any drop in the level as a good sign.
But I really want it to drop a LOT...under 30 would make me very happy.
The next episode in this melodrama coming up tomorrow night....