I saw Dr. McCourt last week in New London and told her that I don't want to take the Taxol any more. She of course wants me to take it on a reduced, more spread out schedule and wants me to take a couple of weeks off and come back to talk about it.
I will go see her the week after next and I will be telling her that I am stopping chemo. All the chemo is doing is helping me "maintain"...we all agree that it is NOT going to cure me. Her idea of continuing the chemo means that I go twice a month and endure all the side effects just to "maintain."
I'm not going to do that. I'm pulling the plug on chemo, will turn myself over to Sandy and my friends who recommend juicing and homeopathic supplements. At least the supplements won't give me side effects. As I think back on all that modern medicine did to "help" me during my last hospitalization, I realize that most of if ended up doing more harm than good. The tubes, the artificial feeding, the bags of fluids. I'm still paying the price for some of that three months later. It didn't make me stronger, it weakened me and left me almost helpless to fight back.
Let me be able to feel my feet again, to get rid of the horrible taste in my mouth that affects my eating, lose the fluid that has filled my legs, abdomen and back that makes it so hard for me to walk, get up out of chairs, etc. Let me stop feeling so exhausted so I can go out and enjoy somethings in life.
I know I may not be able to eat solid foods again because of the strictures in my guts, but maybe I can at least enjoy the liquid nutrition I'm getting.
I would rather face the cancer without all the foolishness I get from the chemo. And if it means that I don't last as long as I would if I took the chemo and "maintained," well, then so be it.
Dying isn't the worse thing. Living the way I have been living lately has been pretty tough and I don't see it getting any better by me putting more toxic drugs in my system. What is the point?
So, I hope that everyday it gets a little easier to move, I feel more like a human being and I'm able to get some enjoyment from my surroundings. It's been hard to do that lately and I'm missing it.
I know a lot of folks think I'm "brave" and want me to hang in there for whatever reason. I think it's important that we understand and accept when it's time to let go. I'm looking into Hospice of SE CT and won't hesitate to call them when I need their services. I know the wonderful things they do and I'm not going to be one of those who waits until two weeks before I die to get them involved. That must be the social worker in me.
I know it's been hard for members of my family and some of my friends to think about this stuff, and that has kept some of them away. I wish it weren't like that, but I understand how they feel. This whole experience has really been an eye-opener for me....I have been forced to think about so many things....and I have definitely benefited from all of it.
I feel good having made this decision. It's time. I feel a big load off my shoulders. Looking forward to Spring.