Sunday, March 10, 2013

Decision

I saw Dr. McCourt last week in New London and told her that I don't want to take the Taxol any more.  She of course wants me to take it on a reduced, more spread out schedule and wants me to take a couple of weeks off and come back to talk about it.

I will go see her the week after next and I will be telling her that I am stopping chemo.  All the chemo is doing is helping me "maintain"...we all agree that it is NOT going to cure me.  Her idea of continuing the chemo means that I go twice a month and endure all the side effects just to "maintain."

I'm not going to do that.  I'm pulling the plug on chemo, will turn myself over to Sandy and my friends who recommend juicing and homeopathic supplements.  At least the supplements won't give me side effects.  As I think back on all that modern medicine did to "help" me during my last hospitalization, I realize that most of if ended up doing more harm than good.  The tubes, the artificial feeding, the bags of fluids.  I'm still paying the price for some of that three months later.  It didn't make me stronger, it weakened me and left me almost helpless to fight back. 

Let me be able to feel my feet again, to get rid of the horrible taste in my mouth that affects my eating, lose the fluid that has filled my legs, abdomen and back that makes it so hard for me to walk, get up out of chairs, etc.   Let me stop feeling so exhausted so I can go out and enjoy somethings in life.

I know I may not be able to eat solid foods again because of the strictures in my guts, but maybe I can at least enjoy the liquid nutrition I'm getting. 

I would rather face the cancer without all the foolishness I get from the chemo.  And if it means that I don't last as long as I would if I took the chemo and "maintained," well, then so be it. 

Dying isn't the worse thing.  Living the way I have been living lately has been pretty tough and I don't see it getting any better by me putting more toxic drugs in my system.  What is the point?

So,  I hope that everyday it gets a little easier to move, I feel more like a human being and I'm able to get some enjoyment from my surroundings.  It's been hard to do that lately and I'm missing it. 

I know a lot of folks think I'm "brave" and want me to hang in there for whatever reason.  I think it's important that we understand and accept when it's time to let go.  I'm looking into Hospice of SE CT and won't hesitate to call them when I need their services.  I know the wonderful things they do and I'm not going to be one of those who waits until two weeks before I die to get them involved.  That must be the social worker in me.

I know it's been hard for members of my family and some of my friends to think about this stuff, and that has kept some of them away.  I wish it weren't like that, but I understand how they feel.  This whole experience has really been an eye-opener for me....I have been forced to think about so many things....and I have definitely benefited from all of it. 

I feel good having made this decision.  It's time.  I feel a big load off my shoulders.  Looking forward to Spring. 

5 comments:

Martine said...

My dear dear friend,

I respect and honor your decision with heart felt sincerity. The only time that you make a decision alone, is how you choose to live your life or how you choose to end your life's journey. All others decisions can be made with the compassion and help from your family and friends.

Do not judge to harshly, the family and friends that cannot handle this decision....it's all because they love you and can not handle the finality of it.

As I longtime worker and advocate of Hospice, I am so happy that you have the forward thinking of getting on board early. They are so much more than "means to an end". They try to ensure that you have the best possible positive experience that is humanly possible in this situation. Always including family and friends and major clues from you and your needs.

The BEST gift you can give your family and friends is to let them be part of this process as much as or little as you can. They will understand your limits.
I was always an HONOR to be with someone at the end of there Life's Journey and give support to the family and friends.

Well, I'm gettin' off my soapbox, my friend....LOL
Spring is in the air, Annie....I'm looking forward to it with you! All my love, Martine

Jo said...

i love you Ann Milluh just because you are a hot shit. You are strong, you know your own mind and I always trust you completely. You, and only you have the right to make decisions about your own life. period.
I trust you and honor you and your choices.
You have been and will remain my 'hero'...your honesty, humor and wisdom you have given out to all of us will always be your legacy. You are a WONDERFUL person...you deserve what you know you need.
Much love to you Annie....
jo

Anonymous said...

No one who loves you wants you to suffer. The Anne Miller I know is always true to herself. That is the person I love and admire. Hope to see you soon. Love ya,Franny

Gina said...

Taking control of our own fate can give us so much peace and power. Know that so many of us care about you.......hugs ♡♡♡

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