Sunday, May 6, 2012

Feeling much better as the antibiotic did it's work!  Went to chemo Thursday and saw Dr. McCourt before the infusion.  My CT scan results were great...the second tumor doesn't show up at all on the scan now!  The other one is only a centimeter long and holding there.  Hoping to make that one disappear soon...I think that's a good goal for me to have.

In my last post I alluded to decisions I am making.  One of the biggest is that I am FINALLY reading about ovarian cancer.  I have not read much information on this disease since I was diagnosed, mostly because most of what I did read was negative and I didn't want any negativity getting in my way.

I have evolved to the point where I can finally read about what "they" say about ovarian cancer and I have to admit what "they" say is pretty grim.  This doesn't bother me as much as the fact that I have allowed myself to think/feel what Sandy has been going through.   We talked about it the other night and she said to me "ask me any question you want."   I love her so.  We had a wonderful talk, which I am not going to share because...   Suffice it to say that I don't worry so much about how she is feeling/handling things.  She is a nurse, she knows about these things.  

We have always said that if something were to happen to the other one, we know that our lives would go on...and neither of us would allow ourselves to wallow in depression.  Loss is part of life after all.  And also...we both know that the partner who "departed" wouldn't want the remaining one to be unhappy.  We would miss the other, but we would live our lives.   I think this is a good attitude to have. 

Call me judgmental and I will accept that moniker.  I don't understand people who carry on grieving for years and years...and I know some people like this.  I think that in some cases, alcohol helps them continue to grieve.  I can't imagine that their departed partner would be happy about them continuing to wallow in their misery.  I suppose it's a mental health thing, but then I wonder why they don't go and get some help?

It makes me think of country western songs...where all that kind of behavior (endlessly carrying the torch, drinking) is celebrated.  In reality, there is nothing romantic, desirable or healthy about it.

Speaking of alcohol...I haven't had a sip in almost a year.   Can't drink when I'm on that clinical trial drug...can't go out in the sun for too long either, but I digress.  The subject is alcohol and I don't miss it one bit.  I look around however, and I see folks my age who still drink to excess...I mean getting drunk...and who's lives revolve around alcohol....and I don't want to be around them any more.  Call me a prude...there, another name to call me...a Judgmental Prude...but I don't want to be around people who are drinking too much.  Don't like the unpredictability, don't like the slurred speech, don't want the drama.

This is another decision I'm making....withdraw from those situations where I will be around people who are going to drink too much.

Now I get down from my pedestal.

Anyway, I'm reading a great book...a little at a time...I can only handle so much emotionally.  The book is called "Memoirs of a Debulked Woman:   Enduring Ovarian Cancer."   Debulking is what they call the surgical process of removing as much of a tumor as they can/as many tumors as they can.  I was "debulked" 2008, when Dr. LaChance removed as much of my omentum (the lining of your abdomen) as he could as it was "spackled with lumps in frosting" and again in 2009 when Dr. McCourt removed as much of the tumor that still sits by my spleen that she could. 

The woman who wrote this book looks at the statistics for surviving ovarian cancer (20%) and isn't counting on being in the 20%.   This is where she and I differ.  She felt relief when she was first diagnosed because then she knew how she would die...most people don't get to know how they are going to die.   I felt relief, because FINALLY I knew what was wrong with me and we could get to work doing something about it.

I'm sure that it is going to be emotionally difficult for me to read parts of this book, it's already been hard and I'm just on the second chapter!  I don't agree with this author on her outlook on her prognosis, but I am learning a lot about myself, how I feel about things and how I approach things.

I am sure I will be making more decisions about relationships, how I spend my time and my money, what I keep and what I get rid of.  I may even drop out of contact for a bit...I need time to process things...a lot of things.

Good thing I have a therapist already on the payroll. 


1 comment:

Brenda said...

Discovered your blog today ....I can truly relate to so much of what you say. It took me forever to be able to read about Ovarian Cancer or to hear anything negative without getting a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach.
Now...I accept things as they are , I take them one day at a time, I will deal with what I have to when I have to ! Nothing saying we can't be in those Survivor odds Annie ...someone has to be ...why not us !!!